About You — stuck in a loop of remembering and forgetting you

Do you think I have forgotten?

soberara
5 min readJan 30, 2024
Photo from Pinterest

I know a place
It’s somewhere I go when I need to remember your face

Last summer, we went to San Felipe for a little vacation. It’s a beautiful place with fine white sands and crystal clear water of the West Philippine Sea. It has the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen in my life. The way the sun lightens up the darkness of the vast sky with its golden rays to reveal the beautiful colors of the world that was concealed by the night. A daylight so golden like how the song described.

But the scene I truly loved the most happened during the afternoon, when the quiet was finally conquered by laughter of the kids playing on the sand, of the friends having fun on the shore, and of the elders having a small talk inside the cottages.

It was during the sunset. When the sky is covered in hues of orange and red and the sun is kissing the sea. The sea was calm and perfectly mirrored the beautiful painting in the sky the setting sun created. It was a sight so wonderful to behold.

During those moments, I was sitting under the palm tree while sipping on my favorite buko juice my mother bought. I remembered you while looking at the scene of nature unfolding in front of me.

The sunset was a witness to every raw emotion I let out during those times both of us are still talking. When I was still the one you love, the sunset and the sea never missed a chance to see my emotions become one with the universe.

But it never witnessed the pain and sadness we both experienced and felt when we drifted apart.

We are just like this beautiful scenery in front of me, I am the sun and you are the sea. Except, I left without saying my farewell to you.

I felt envious of the sun for it was able to kiss the sea goodbye before it leaves and let the moon takeover. I wasn’t able to bid you a goodbye when I left. Wasn’t even able to give you a hug when you asked for it. How rude of me, right?

There was something ‘bout you
That now I can’t remember

Remembering you in every little things I do was a torture to my mind … and my heart.

It’s the same damn thing that made my heart surrender

I see your face in different people I meet. It takes me so much effort not to call them by your name. A name I can’t seem to forget too.

And I miss you on the train
I miss you in the morning

I recognize you in every place I go that I have to blink twice to know if I’m hallucinating or not.

I never know what to think about

There were times when I was so happy I thought I had completely forgotten everything about you — your face, your voice, your name. But then, the world will slap me again on the reality that forgetting you is just a thought.

I think about you …

It’s like I was stuck in a loop. A never-ending cycle of remembering and forgetting you.

Forgetting you is like falling in a quicksand. The more I try to get out, the more it pulls me down deeper.

So instead of trying to forget you, I decided to just remember you. I long for you, hence I’ll remember you instead of forgetting you.

Every night, I would recall the very first conversation we had. It was a silly moment. Something we can laugh about if we ever had the chance to talk about it. I remember the very first time we met and how easy it was for the two of us to bond and laugh about something. It happened at sundown.

I do not know when this longing will last, but I want to feel it while I still can. I might wake up one day and realize I no longer have any longing for you. So while my mind and heart are both on the same page of missing you, I’ll just live with it instead of going against — forgetting you — it.

Oh … by the way,

Do you know The 1975?

They have this song called “About You”.

The first time I heard it, I just knew right then that it speaks to me. For it is a song that deeply encapsulates what my mind kept on thinking about. A song that perfectly describes what my heart desires.

“Wait and pretend
Hold on and hope
That we’ll find our way back in the end
Do you think I have forgotten?”

In every place I go, I would always look up and hope that somewhere deep down your heart it still beats my name.

I would look up at the sky covered in hues of orange and red, and hope that the world will allow the two of us to meet again. And maybe then, we’ll find our way back to each other again. A second chance.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho once said that,

“You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say.”

And so, I did the same. I know that I will never be happy going against my heart’s desires so I took the time to listen to it and follow what it wants. My heart said it misses you, so I miss you. My heart said not to forget you, so I kept on remembering you that even in my dreams you are still there.

Because,

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

I hope that the universe will listen to my heart’s pleas the same way I did. I hope the universe will let you hear my heart’s pleas and maybe it will make you find your way back to me again.

But until the universe hasn’t heard of my heart’s pleas yet, until then I am just here patiently waiting. You know where to find me. It’s the place that witnessed my love for you. The place where the sun can see its own beauty. The place where the hues of orange and red are more glorious and marvelous.

But if you ever think that your heart no longer beats my name, I’ll understand if you will refuse the universe’s invitation to find your way back to me.

Even then, if you ever find yourself being conquered by loneliness and feeling unloved, I hope you know that somewhere in the corner of this world someone loves you and cares for you. Somewhere in this world, someone's heart beats your name.

Because if you ask me if I have forgotten about you, the answer lies in the way I breathe your name, in the way your name became a scar in my heart. Forever engraved, never be forgotten.

How about you?

Have you already forgotten about me?

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soberara

i wish i could fly, i’d pick you up and we go back in time