Peace — our coming-of-age has come and gone

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

soberara
3 min readMar 30, 2024
Photo from Pinterest

And at 2 am, I found myself staring at the ceiling.
Still wide awake, thoughts are busy running.
At last, after a long time of not being in sync,
I found my heart and mind agreeing on the same thing.

"Let go." They said. "Open your eyes.
See how chaos is the only thing you can give."
Like a waterfall, tears streamed down my face.
"I am the only soldier of this war."

What is the use of fighting this war
when there's no one to fight with?
So I run to the water.
There, I saw someone looking at me with hurt in their eyes.
"I’m sorry!"
Is all I could say as I bend my knees and cry.

But the wind made the water move,
winkled and made a wave.
So does the person in there.
It was me. My reflection.
I am seeing right through my own reflection.

This war is a war within me.
A battle with my own self.
It was never a war with anyone.
All the battleships have long gone back to their land.
Swords put down on the ground.
White flags have been raised.

I'm a soldier fighting my own self.
"I am chaos itself." I weep.
When you put your armor down,
And I thought, "I'll lead the battle, then."

My sword, I was pointing them at you
And never to the enemies
"But you are not my enemy."
I cried, and so is the sky.
We're both mourning for our lost.

When I thought my sword was protecting you,
it was actually piercing you.
You were bleeding, and called my name,
yet, I was still thinking the same.

Wide-eyed, I let go of my sword
Like an arrow had hit me
On my chest, bullseye
"He's aboard the battleship", I said.

The one returning to it's motherland.
"You left me."

I realized,
my love is a flame.
I thought I could keep you warm.
But with a gentle touch,
you got yourself bleeding.

On nights that you find yourself
shaking from the coldness of air that surrounds us,
I gave you the flame of my love
thinking it could keep you warm.
I embraced you with my open fire.

I kept my eyes shut. I kept my ears covered.
You were in pain. You were hurting.
I did nothing.

My love, we are not a match.
But our love is.
Like a match,
it only burns so bright at first
but died down so quickly.

Perhaps.

I am a match.
But, darling, you are a paper.
I can only bring you danger.
I will only burn your love to ashes.

No, my love, I can never give you peace.

I made this while my mind is in chaos. Thoughts scattered everywhere. I was in my anxious state. When I thought I am up, I realize I was down, again. To tame them, I decided to write them all down so I can be 'up' once again. To find peace within this chaos, I wrote this. During this torturous moment, I happen to be listening to a song called Peace by Taylor Swift. Hence, the title.

If you call this a poem, then it is a poem. If you call this a letter of an anxious and broken person, then it is one. Call it whatever you want. All I know is this is me finally making an end to something I kept on holding on so tight. This is me finally making peace with the chaos I created to myself.

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